In the
past few days I haven't been feeling very well. Mentally. No. Not
mentally. Mentally I'm fine. I know how to ride the waves of my
bi-polar. I know how to manage that without drugging myself.
I mean, some might say that dosing myself with a glass of wine to settle my nerves, sooth my anxieties or subdue my excited-ness is “technically” drugging myself.
But, like, I don't care.
I mean, some might say that dosing myself with a glass of wine to settle my nerves, sooth my anxieties or subdue my excited-ness is “technically” drugging myself.
But, like, I don't care.
For
the most part I have lived my adult life much under that banner.
I
don't care.
Not
that I don't care about people, things, events or causes. If you know
me well enough you know that I care deeply about those sort of
things. Deeply and often to a fault.
Socially,
I haven't been feeling very well. I'm hot under the collar, sweating
bricks, paranoid about... what other people think.
Not
only that. Worried about what other people have decided to perceive.
Sometimes
people view me as a fathomfraction of who I truly am.
It
never used to wound me. I flew my, “I don't care.” flag and moved
on, moved away, recognized that there was nothing I had done to
deserve this and nothing I could do to fix it.
With
one exception. When I was in an abusive relationship the definition
of not caring became... don't think about it, don't do what it is you
did to deserve this, fix it. FIX IT NOW AT ANY COST FUCK FUCK FUCK
FIX IT. Become whatever it is that he wants. Become something he
doesn't want to punch or rape. Be that, for fucks sake. HOW FUCKING
HARD CAN IT BE TO JUST BE THAT?!
Survival
mechanisms. That above rant is only a fraction of what your brain
processes on a daily when you're in that sort of relationship.
I am
no longer in THAT abusive relationship but I am in a social position
where I have been questioning my every move, every word.
I've
been compromised. Normally who I am wouldn't give two flying fucks.
But
this manipulation, recalculation source is coming from something I
care very deeply about. I am in a position where I can speak to
people, be a professional about something I love, have a desire to
learn things that I didn't think I wanted to know but it turns out is
useful as fuck. I want to create ownership of projects and design
more useful ways of figuring things out.
I want
to initiate resolve as quickly as possible so I can move on to bigger
and better things.
But
some situations. I can't resolve. I can't ask to have help towards
resolve. Because my thoughts, my opinions are being perceived as...
“negative” not passionate. “Curt” not precise. Some concerns
are being labeled as only existing in my own head. And I'm being
asked to not “take things so personally.”
If
what you DO and SAY is being re-manufactured to mean something you
would NEVER REPRESENT... you'd take it personally too.
So
this is my attempt of releasing it. With luck letting it go.
So I
can get back to my, “I don't care” attitude of what others think
I should and shouldn't be, how I should speak and when I should
quiet.
I
don't care.
I'm a
happy person. A hard working. I'm sometimes brain boggled. Sometimes.
I'm going to try to Facebook less and Blog more.