I'm going to try to Facebook less and Blog more

In the past few days I haven't been feeling very well. Mentally. No. Not mentally. Mentally I'm fine. I know how to ride the waves of my bi-polar. I know how to manage that without drugging myself.

I mean, some might say that dosing myself with a glass of wine to settle my nerves, sooth my anxieties or subdue my excited-ness is “technically” drugging myself.

But, like, I don't care.

For the most part I have lived my adult life much under that banner.

I don't care.

Not that I don't care about people, things, events or causes. If you know me well enough you know that I care deeply about those sort of things. Deeply and often to a fault.

Socially, I haven't been feeling very well. I'm hot under the collar, sweating bricks, paranoid about... what other people think.

Not only that. Worried about what other people have decided to perceive.

Sometimes people view me as a fathomfraction of who I truly am.

It never used to wound me. I flew my, “I don't care.” flag and moved on, moved away, recognized that there was nothing I had done to deserve this and nothing I could do to fix it.

With one exception. When I was in an abusive relationship the definition of not caring became... don't think about it, don't do what it is you did to deserve this, fix it. FIX IT NOW AT ANY COST FUCK FUCK FUCK FIX IT. Become whatever it is that he wants. Become something he doesn't want to punch or rape. Be that, for fucks sake. HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE TO JUST BE THAT?!

Survival mechanisms. That above rant is only a fraction of what your brain processes on a daily when you're in that sort of relationship.

I am no longer in THAT abusive relationship but I am in a social position where I have been questioning my every move, every word.

I've been compromised. Normally who I am wouldn't give two flying fucks.

But this manipulation, recalculation source is coming from something I care very deeply about. I am in a position where I can speak to people, be a professional about something I love, have a desire to learn things that I didn't think I wanted to know but it turns out is useful as fuck. I want to create ownership of projects and design more useful ways of figuring things out.

I want to initiate resolve as quickly as possible so I can move on to bigger and better things.

But some situations. I can't resolve. I can't ask to have help towards resolve. Because my thoughts, my opinions are being perceived as... “negative” not passionate. “Curt” not precise. Some concerns are being labeled as only existing in my own head. And I'm being asked to not “take things so personally.”

If what you DO and SAY is being re-manufactured to mean something you would NEVER REPRESENT... you'd take it personally too.

So this is my attempt of releasing it. With luck letting it go.

So I can get back to my, “I don't care” attitude of what others think I should and shouldn't be, how I should speak and when I should quiet.

I don't care.

I'm a happy person. A hard working. I'm sometimes brain boggled. Sometimes.

I'm going to try to Facebook less and Blog more.