Passover is very hard for me.   I can do Yom Kippur on my own. Purim I miss and would rather not live without it, but I can. My family and friends easily transitioned into celebrating Rosh Hashanah (my favorite), Hannukah (fried food for the win), and Tu B'Shevat (who doesn't love trees?). Sukkot is typically around the same time that the Masons celebrate the Feast of Tishri so my father and mother run to me for recipes and item symbolism.  

But Passover... is lonely. And it wasn't always so. 

My first year in New Orleans I was "adopted" to come to a Seder. Completely out of my element, I still managed. Second year... adopted again, by the Marxes. And it started to make more sense. How important family is for Passover.  

And it isn't that I don't have family. Last year my family sat with me for a 30 minute Seder and that was good. They got it. But they didn't Get It. Because I am here tonight, alone.   Last year Avi and I had been dating only a few months. So I was a little unreasonably hurt that I wasn't invited to his house. We've dated a year and I'm sure that is he weren't working a 12 hour shift at the hospital for his preceptorship I am sure I would have been welcome to join him and his family. 

I could have asked the Rabbi here in Las Cruces if there was anyone that would like to take me in. I'm sure that someone would have. Um.... but... the transition into this community... didn't work as well as I would have liked. In Nola I was only asked to Live Jewishly for my "conversion." In Las Cruces I was invited to take a class and write reports. It didn't fit. It didn't fit into my life the way it was supposed to.   

It broke my heart. I am currently still acting out this defiant, "What do I have to PROVE?!"because that is how it translated in my head and in my heart--that I had to prove that I was worthy of any Invitation into this community. Some days I am still so furious. Most days I understand, it was never meant to be translated the way that I perceived it.  

I am so alone.   It is the WORST time of the year to feel alone. I kinda feel like Passover is THE holiday in which... we... WE... are kinda all in. Where the exclusion and suffering and brokenness that can seep into so many aspects of our lives, work and family alike.... This is when we collectively act to honor those struggles.   

This is where we can ALL say, "I went through that too. I'm going through that too. But we're going to get out of this. We're out of that now and we're moving on."   But right now I feel like I'm the only one in this. And I'm in it alone.   But the sun is going down.   I have candles and wine and matzo to bless. I can't walk myself through items of a Seder plate. Also... I don't OWN a Seder plate. I kept meaning to buy one because this one website took a note that I had made and added transliteration to the plate. Maybe I will buy that tonight. 

For next year? I'd like to not be this alone again "next year."  

Next Year in Jerusalem. L'Shana Ha'ba-ah B'yerushalayim.